OPINION: Feminism can’t thrive unless toxic femininity dies

Content Warning: This article contains references to sexual assault. 

The patriarchy is the most obvious barrier to feminists’ goals. In a male-dominated society, unequal pay, workplace discrimination, lack of bodily autonomy and sexual violence are only a few threats to gender equality. However, as tempting as it is to blame everything on the patriarchy, feminism is up against something that’s just as difficult to tackle: toxic femininity.

We’ve all heard of toxic masculinity, but its cousin, toxic femininity, doesn’t get nearly as much attention. As a result of internalized misogyny, toxic femininity upholds traditionally feminine traits such as fragility, submissiveness, sensuality and tenderness. These values are taught to girls at a young age. We’re told that not wanting to get married or have children makes us less of a woman, and when this message comes from other women, its impact is felt more intensely.

It’s important to remember that toxic femininity doesn’t strip women of their rights as sexism does but, rather, explains why certain rights don’t exist in the first place. For example, as opposed to saying women can’t be car mechanics, toxic femininity says that women wouldn’t want to do a dirty job like that anyways. 

A woman who subscribes to these ideals may find herself holding other women to warped standards of femininity. These standards have their roots most recently in the 1950s housewife image, where women were expected to be stay-at-home mothers who do laundry, clean and cook dinner for their families.

Back then, the amount of women enrolled in college was low, but those who did attend college were said to be seeking a “Mrs.” degree — or, in other words, seeking a husband. In some cases, the wives of graduating seniors were awarded honorable Ph.T. — Putting Husband Through — degrees. This even existed at NC State.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with choosing to be a stay-at-home mom. After all, a major component of feminism is about granting women the right to be agents of their own lives. If a woman wants to embrace the domestic sphere, she should be allowed to do that. The problem presents itself, however, when women who choose this life for themselves also try to choose it for others, holding other women back. This is toxic femininity in action.

Toxic femininity in practice isn't just about occupation, though. It can also manifest itself in the form of victim-blaming by claiming that women are responsible for evoking anger and lust in men. If you’ve ever heard a woman question whether a rape victim was wearing promiscuous clothing or not, you’ve witnessed toxic femininity. Considering feminism advocates against sexual violence towards women, it’s clear just how harmful this rhetoric can be to the movement.

I’ve also witnessed toxic femininity in action on social media where women will body shame, mock or lie about one another, oftentimes for the attention of a man. One example of this exists on TikTok where a woman lists several “icks” she has about her own gender. Although the video has since been removed, other creators have reposted the video with their own views on this blatant display of internalized misogyny. With toxic femininity, women supporting women goes out the window. 

Female feminists aren’t the only ones suffering from this phenomenon either. It’s a topic that everyone should pay attention to, because everyone has something at stake with it.

Men, for example, are hurt by toxic femininity when it comes to parenting. Because women are stereotypically classified as caregivers, custody battles end with mothers being granted parental rights more often than not, regardless of the mother’s parenting abilities.

People of various sexual and gender identities may also face the consequences of toxic femininity. Transgender women are met with opposition for not being “real women.” Men who wear makeup or traditionally feminine clothing find their manhood being attacked, as was the case with Candace Owens’ commentary on Harry Styles’ Vogue Magazine cover.

As long as toxic femininity prevails, feminists’ goals will always be just out of reach. With a century and a half of women’s rights work under our belt, the last thing modern feminists want to see is progress being reversed. We need to begin reframing what we think about women’s roles in society. We have to stop perpetuating ideals of femininity set by the patriarchy, which has always sought to oppress us. We need to stop teaching young girls that there is one way to be a girl and that if they don’t fit that description, they’re less of a woman because of it.

Until we let go of these ideals and embrace true feminism that includes all female identities and desires under this umbrella term, oppression will prevail.